| 22. |
[
October 7th @ 5:08am
] |
Its funny how I've been lying wide awake for a long stretch of time & had so many thoughts run through my mind that I felt compelled to get up, power up my laptop & write whatever that comes. & now that I'm finally sitting here... nothing. Now, I know I had things to put down so I'll let my mind wander at this ungodly hour & even if I come out of this entry with or without substance, at least I wrote something down.
4:20 used to be my bedtime. There's nothing like feeling the weight of your maturity & age than looking back & realizing your sleeping pattern's not like how it used to be. In the time of carefree ignorance & in the thralls of child-like hedonistic pursuits, 4am was just a time that meant one of two things - clubs were closing, or time to wrap up with friends & sneak back into the house. I don't miss that life. It'd be hard put for me to stay up past 1am unless pressed for time on a deadline. I live a steady life by a steady clock & I feel the absolute comfort of the steadiness of it all. I find comfort in a work and a school that I enjoy but don't love. & I find comfort in a partner I both enjoy & love. I almost feel like I'm cheating the system by living this way. As if I'm going through a trial run for the real living but without the bills, kids & career.
22. Damn. Truth be told, at 16 I couldn't imagine myself being 22. 22 back then seemed to be a whole different person than who I was. My 16 year old self could never be 22. I'm at the cusp of adulthood. Immaturity was still understandable at 20. Things were still excusable at 21. But 22... 22 to me is toeing the spring board, peeking down to see the drop & the blue waters of adulthood some feet below you. 22 to me is the year, the moment, the second before you take the plunge, the leap, the fall. Everybody hopes to settle themselves into adulthood. I'm finding out more & more how difficult easing into that is. As a point of fact, I am a very clumsy person. I would more than probably falter & trip my way into maturity than walk into it with steady feet. Then again, what else is maturity but the trials & errors of life through the eyes of oneself & others. I just wish falling flat on my face didn't hurt so bad.
23 stands like a sore thumb in front of me. Like my 16 year old self, I can't see myself at 25. 25 is so foreign to me. 23 looks like a formidable year & it doesn't help that its one of my least favorite numbers. Its an odd number. I mean, it literally is an odd number that can't be divisable by anything. But enough of the number game, age is but a number. & goodness knows how caught up I get with numbers. 5:06 & I should head back to bed. Alot of 22-related errands & obligations to fulfill today.
|
|
| love can damage your health. |
[
July 6th @ 11:00pm
] |
Its been a wierd night tonight. People, one after another coming to me for a listening ear & advice. It eventually became a night of spreading my attention to 4 different people in 4 different cities. It wasn't at all that I didn't like it. It just made me realize my own strengths after so many years of growth & personal realizations. But you know, if someone isn't receptive to taking responsibility for one's own life & decisions, its hard to help. I'm here to dispense advice or to listen & sometimes both at the same time. But I can't babysit one's emotions & carry that burden of expectation. I can't be there physically if I know you aren't there mentally.
But anyway, now that they've all been tucked to bed. Time to read.
|
|
| grace. |
[
May 3rd @ 10:13am
] |
just a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down
sweet mary jane, won't you
lay
me
down?
lost my heart in paradise, lost my mind
shot me down with a revolver, got me high
then a heart of gold came on the stereo
mr. young made me cry
then all the colors of the rainbow
fell in my eyes
i lost my mind long ago
down that yellow brick road
i lost my mind long ago
down that yellow brick road
took a train to the river where i drove right in
that skinny dipping boy made the blue bird sing
fell in love in paradise, he blew my mind
he shot me down with his revolver, he got me high
then the weather man came on the radio
said there'll be sunshine
then all the colors of the rainbow
fell in my mind
i lost my mind long ago
down that yellow brick road
i lost my mind long ago
down that yellow brick road
|
|
| lazy lover. |
[
December 14th @ 7:05pm
] |
|
Its the mornings that I love the most. Its the shifting of limbs to tangle our feet and to lie in his arms - head on chest, ear on heart & the quiet steady heartbeat that lulls me back to sleep. The random lazy kisses & murmurs in our half sleep. The slow start to our morning, every morning we share. The way our hands find the other to hold on to if its too hot yet for bodily closeness. Its when our bodies are still asleep but our hearts are waking up to each other. & that is when I feel the most love from him.
|
|
| 1:09 |
[
October 21st @ 12:25am
] |
|
too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
too much to do to set my heart right
oh, it's taking so long
i could be wrong
i could be ready
oh, but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume
it's still unsteady
i am, in repair
i am, in repair
|
|
| looking out from the inside of love. |
[
June 24th @ 1:24am
] |
|
Love is patient & kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, & patience never fail. Love is eternal
- Corinthians 13: 4 - 8.
|
|
| Forgot I had this for awhile there... |
[
June 16th @ 4:07am
] |
This whole long distance thing is starting to get to me. The PMS isn't helping any either. I can't believe its only been a month since I left - it feels more like a whole year has gone. & to think another month! Another year according to my warped sense of time. But its amazing how alive Sean is to me even when he's a thousand miles away (we are literally on opposite ends of the globe). Big up to technology for that, especially Skype. Its such a genius idea; God bless the person who came up with it. I get to see Sean almost everyday, get to listen to his voice, get to hear his laugh, get to even sleep with him by my side. But ohh boy, is July taking forever or what!
Making a conscious effort to enjoy myself here though. Spending alot of time with my close friends & siblings. It isn't fair to them how my excitement to get back to Sean seems to overshadow my reluctance to leave here. I really am sad though. Singapore has been my home forever & I've made such close bonds here. Life-long ties that have made me who I am today. I was just telling Agnes the other day how I'm looking forward to seeing where we'll all by 10 years from now. I'm just as excited to see where I'll be a year from now.
I have plans in my head I haven't even written down, much less verbalized yet. The power of love is so beautiful in how its such a strong driving force behind life. You start thinking more about other people - & I'm not even talking solely about Sean here. There's a wider sense of self-awareness & how one can affect the lives of people in big & small ways. Things are all up in the air before I actually get down to making solid plans but they are ambitious thoughts & ideas & they will challenge me, & even the thought of them right now excites me. I can't wait to start making my 1-year plans & my 5-year plans. I think my time here has been great for clearing my head & figuring out what I want in life - ambitiously, rather than being wishy-washy about it. Wishy-washy is good of course, but oh how I've missed motivation, & my competitive spirit. I'm so wired for the future. :D
|
|
| BUTTAH! |
[
June 1st @ 1:16am
] |
So after a week as a daughter, sister, & proxy mom, with the bonus roles of secretary & maid to my Dad, I finally ended my week at Butter Factory which was sooo damn funnn. Too lazy to expound but it was a really great night. Got to meet up with some friends whom I hadn't seen in almost a year as well as partying it up with friends who I see almost every other day. Here's last night in pictures.
( IMAGE HEAVY! )
|
|
| SHE FIYAH BURNIN' FIYAH BURNIN' ON THA DANCE FLOOR |
[
May 19th @ 12:00am
] |
I am never going to play Indian poker for a really really long time. Because every time I play that stupid game I end up getting so fucking drunk its a pain to look after me.
Jo
+
Indian poker
= drunk calling Sean & leaving 10 million drunken voice messages
+ drunk calling Stef & Wang Ki
+ running to toilet to finish my bottle of vodka coke even when piss drunk already
+ thinking I'm the funniest person on Earth & that I should be a paid comedienne
Granted, I wasn't as drunk as that time when I played Indian poker at Jordan's. I swear the whole "I want to listen to Scissor Sisters NOW" while I was puking in the toilet bowl & when I told Charlene to puke on my head coz I wouldn't let go of the toilet bowl (JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT ALREADY) will always be classics in my books. I am too bad of a liar for this game, I think I'll stick to daidee or something less detrimental to my sobriety.
I act so retarded when I'm that drunk. & for those who happen to stumble into my journal & think they have a right to criticize my use of the word retard let's have a little English lesson shall we?
Retard like so many other words in the English language has more than one meaning. ||.| shocker. Retard as a verb is defined as "to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede". As a noun, it is "a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine" or can be used as a slang is " a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way" & "A person considered to be foolish or socially inept" but also of course, a derogatory term for a mentally challenged individual. Now as far as my journal goes, I have never intended my use of the word retard to mean the last definition given.
If I've offended any other Anonymous readers who may be thinking of leaving Anonymous comments about how I seem insensitive with my choice of words, I suggest double-checking to make sure there may be other meanings. Because I could go on all night about how retard is also used in Physics, in Music & in Automation. It is not a word used exclusively for condescending the worth of a cognitively challenged person. If that were the case then go ahead, be the advocate for eliminating such a word in our dictionary, I'm all for that. Ask anybody close to me & they'd tell you I'll be one of the last people to make fun of such an issue. & may I suggest one last thing, before people criticize me I'd like them to know me first & in this case, know my writing style & the way I inject casualness & humor into my entries. But anyway, after that's said & done, thanks for commenting on my previous entry. I'm flattered random people read my journal & feel the urge to lecture my use of words. Btw, Anonymous also means "lacking individuality, unique character, or distinction". Looking forward to a reply & hopefully there'll be a distinction away from being Anonymous. (: Hokay. Now that's out of the way, time for some sleep coz I'm going back to my regular gyming routine in the morning. Gotta get back some of my muscle mass. G'night friends.
|
|
| put your money where your mouth is. |
[
May 15th @ 8:20pm
] |
So because I'm such a retard & a sucker for laughing gas, I mistakenly inhaled a bag full of salonpas relieving spray resulting in this damn headache I've been nursing the past 15 minutes. My stupidity was kind of a joint effort between Stef & myself since she got me so excited about reliving our poker night laughing episode last year.
I've been busy the past two days with clearing up the kids' clothes & books. Today was spent sorting out their books on the shelves & its been pretty amusing reading through Jen & Jase's notebooks & looking at their drawings & comic strips. I imagine my Mom doing this for my 10 year old self & finding all the retarded things I used to write & draw back then. I actually found those old cards that were given to kids about the dangers of drugs: "Peter the panda wanted to be everybody's friend. He became a drug user, which made him a loser, That's how his life will end", "Bob the Hedgehog took drugs to school and sold them to a friend. But he was arrested, and now he'll hang - it's a very painful end", "Britney the Poodle liked to go clubbing and dance the night away. She was caught using drugs and taken to prison - That's where Britney will stay", "Jimi the Lion started on drugs, to make himself look brave. An overdose soon killed him, and now he's in his grave". Not to mention how they've made the animals look so cracked out & fucked up. Yup, way to scare 6 year old kids off drugs Singapore.
Afternoon was pretty much spent hanging out with Stef, Nart, & Mark in my room. After playing around with the Nerf guns & a weak attempt at Cluedo, my Dad walked in talking through the voice changer & handed it to Nart who, true to her nature, found so much amusement with it. She kept singing, "Mari juana go to a party, everybody there was having fun & Mari juana dance on the table" through the mic to make her voice robotic. I have no idea who wrote that song but I think its genius. Hahah.
On a different note, I think my Mama is the best. Its kinda wierd to have her on my side about this but I'm not failing to appreciate the fact that even though she doesn't exactly condone what I'm doing, she still has my back. We've come a long way from fighting & screaming at each other back in Sec 2. I guess it just took age to reach this level of understanding & maturity. Hmm. Still got some work to do with the maturity bit after last night though.
Alrightie folks, gonna finish up with the books then its off to Zouk to break my clubbing celibacy. I'm thinking my purple heels've been neglected long enough.I can feel the bass of the speakers already. Cheers, the party weekend is hereee!
|
|
| Je me sens seul sans toi |
[
May 14th @ 9:30pm
] |
"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body.The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"
- Milan Kundera
|
|
| 12:15am |
[
May 14th @ 3:15pm
] |
|
That farewell kiss which resembles greeting, that last glance of love which becomes the sharpest pang of sorrow.
- George Eliot
|
|
| grow old with me. |
[
May 1st @ 2:41am
] |
|
Grow old along with me The best is yet to be When our time has come
We will be as one God bless our love
God bless our love
Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree Face the setting sun
When the day is done God bless our love
God bless our love
Spending our lives together
Man and wife together World without end
World without end
Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true God bless our love
God bless our love
|
|
| yo george. |
[
March 21st @ 2:26pm
] |
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
-- Sylvia Plath
|
|
| gantotheja. |
[
March 15th @ 11:58am
] |
|
Wake & bake thought: people are influenced in how they influence people by people who have influenced them.
|
|
| The Seven-and-a-Half-Inch Disaster. |
[
March 12th @ 9:27pm
] |
But she did love him. I believe it. I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention at all.
For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks -- accidentally -- and punctures your skin. And there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you're alive.
- Augusten Burroughs, Running with Scissors
|
|
| rather waste my time with you. |
[
January 30th @ 9:00pm
] |
|
So I'm back in Hawaii. Its been a good 2 weeks. The only problem is that I'm sick and I don't know what's wrong with me. I was having the cold and sore throat last week, this week my body's been alternating with fever and cold shakes, usually both at the same time actually. & being the stubborn person that I am when it comes to doctors, I've put off seeing one for this long. This afternoon during my Accounting class I started shaking like mad and the guys I was sitting between kept staring at me. I swear they probably thought I was feening from crack. So I left the class to let my body shake itself out (literally) in the privacy of the restroom. Basically stayed in there for close to 40 minutes because by the time my shakes subsided, people were streaming out the classroom. Got some food & fluids in my body, felt better so I went for Business Communications class. Awesome awesome teacher btw. He even told us we could do his assignments last minute coz he's an easy grader & we should focus on our other classes. & he has got to be the most hyper teacher I have ever met. K anyway time to get some sleep. Hopefully I'll be well enough tomorrow to skip the planned visit to the doctor's.
Side note, I just got a roommate today & I'm suuuuper happy about who it is yeyy!
|
|
| nova. |
[
January 16th @ 11:48pm
] |
|
Bad habits. I've given up on New Year's resolutions but I'm still hopeful for the betterment of myself. So this isn't really a new year's resolution, rather.. um, just a resolution. Sigh you know what, this really isn't working. I can't find the motivation to write a proper entry. Tonight I'm thinking I've gotten pretty selfish with my feelings. As opposed to considering other people's. Hmm I'm done, will be back here when I have something more substantial. Time to get drunk.
|
|
| i am ready, i am ready for a fall. |
[
January 12th @ 11:50am
] |
I feel like everything I should've been doing 2 weeks ago I'm only doing now. I can feel the pressure & my Dad can too. & when pressed for time, we react differently & the 2 of us don't mix well. Feeling flustered because I'm taking on everything at once.
Aside from this morning, the weekend has gone by grrreat! Watched Cinderella with the kids & my mom. It was a good show. Couldn't help comparing the experience with the Stars concert acouple days before that. Haha. Stars concert was definitely the bombbb. Still waiting for the pictures & the rest of the videos Charleeeeene! Btw, sorry I didn't contact you before you left. I was so busy Saturday I forgot all about it until Agnes told me during the poker party that you had left that evening. ): BUT SEE YOU SPRING BREAK PLEASE YES YES?? :D
Anyway, Jason is the cutest thing. He cried last night because he said he was gonna miss me when I leave. Haha. Shit I want to fit him in my suitcaseeee. Ok la I have to go & try to keep my sky from falling. 8 more days then I can chill with the chlorophyll (nope this line will never get old to me). Ok Jo's pumped pumped pumped for the workload HOORAH!
|
|
| purple vs yellow. |
[
January 3rd @ 9:54am
] |
Been having the wierdest dreams lately. Wierd, strange, random dreams.
Anyway, when I'm not dreaming about hotel rooms, rapists and Arvin (very separate dreams), I've been enjoying myself back here in Singapore. Trying to fit in time with the family & close friends. Dang wasn't I just counting 17 days to home? Now its 17 days to the grind. I usually have alot of things to say during this time of the year but I'm feeling irritable & can't really think outside of one thought right now so next time then. Hope everyone's having a great year so far! xoxo
|
|
| mad world. |
[
December 29th @ 1:33pm
] |
\ 
Woke up & wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you & where you’d gone
& let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
& take the time for you
I just got lost & slept right through the dawn
& the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving & I’m standing still
Woke up & wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here & the day is gone
& the world spins madly on
I thought of you & where you’d gone
& the world spins madly on...
|
|
| less than a week. |
[
December 24th @ 10:37pm
] |
You were within an inch from me at this time last week. & now we are thousands of miles apart.
& I am feeling the distance. ):
|
|
|
[
December 21st @ 12:28am
] |
Its wierd having the sun still up at 6.30pm when back in Hawaii it'd be dark by now. Its been a pretty awesome day with the best friends. Stayed up til 6 talking to them before they knocked out. Headed to the kitchen to try & recreate Sean's avocado toast. Another great feeling - opening the fridge door & seeing it filled to the brim with food. I don't care how retarded this sounds, I miss my kitchen & fridge. Hahah. We've had some good times together, like that phase I went through with dancing around the kitchen to Gnarls Barkley acouple years back (ok, more like last year) & the many 4 am post-clubbing tom yum noodles I'd make to soak the night's alcohol & the great distraction the food was every time I was supposed to be studying. Good times I'm telling you, here's to a month of that.
So anyway headed at 9 for mass with Stef, ate laaaaaaaaksaaaaaaaaaaaa after that, then headed to Parkway for some window shopping. Bumped into Jason & my Dad outside Borders, Jennifer & my Mom outside Chamelon. & I swear Jennifer is the cutest thing ever.
*sneaks up behind her & covers her eyes*
me: guess who!
jen: aaah who is this who is this? Ate?
*uncovers her eyes, she turns around, sees me & kinda panics*
jen: nooo! you cannot see, we're buying your christmas present here! *points over at my potential christmas presents*
me: wow jen really? k lemme tell you what I want then, I want this this this & this!
jen: no you cannot see its a surprise!
Hahah. I came back home awhile ago & I went in the kitchen with Jen & her friend Cassie to make them strudel & Jen was telling me about her day at Parkway & srsly I'm on Santa's naughty list coz I managed to glean what my christmas present is going to be.
me: so jen how was parkway?
jen: good, we bought your christmas present! its from topshop!
me: ah is that so? is it clothes?
jen: nope, its not clothes... its all black.
me: is that so? i wonder what it is.
cassie: *whispers* are you going to tell her about the jewell--
jen: *whispers louder* no! cannot tell her!
Hahah shit I hate that I missed out on 4 months of her growing up. She's gotten so tall but still so skinny I could wrap one arm around her. & Jason the retard, decided to stay in last night to play his computer games instead of picking me up. So I decided to disturb his gaming by ruffling his hair and covering his eyes for a good 5 minutes but he was surprisingly cool with it. As usual he's in front of the computer right now shooting bad guys & watching video reviews. He's such a dork I love him.
Hmm anyway, we met Sarah after Parkway & headed back to her place to catch up, drink beer & eat Fei Fei wanton mee. Managed to squeeze in a 5 minute conversation with Sean before the three of us - Carrie, Samantha & Miranda - headed to town for some last minute Christmas shopping. The beer at Sarah's made me feel pretty sleepy & toward the end I must've been pretty sian company. Haha. Drove back home & I was planning to go down to the gym tonight but my body is telling me its 1am & that I need sleep. ): I need gyming company. Where are Agnes & Mark when I need them damnit! Haha. Shit time to get back in shape. I haven't even called Coach yet coz I'm scared of what he'll say when he sees the state of my tennis. I can literally hear him scolding me in my head. I'm paranoid as fuck I swear. Haha. Hopefully I can lose the excess baggage before the rest of the tennis people get back from the states. Ok but srsly. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep first so with the sun still up, I sleep. Ok no Jenny wants to play so play first then sleep!
|
|
| sln |
[
December 19th @ 1:54am
] |
|
The sky looks pissed.
The wind talks back.
My bones are shifting in my skin
& you my love are gone.
My room seems wrong.
The bed wont fit.
I can not seem to operate
& you my love are gone.
So glide away on soapy heels & promise not to promise anymore
& if you come around again then i will take,
then i will take the chain from off the door.
I'll never say, I'll never love.
But i don't say a lot of things
& you my love are gone.
So glide away on soapy heels & promise not to promise anymore
& if you come around again then i will take,
then i will take the chain from off the door.
Such a trying day. All I wanted to do was rest my head on a shoulder 1000 miles away.
|
|
| overboard. |
[
December 10th @ 3:06am
] |
[2:26:18 AM] Sean Nagao says: me and my grandma
[2:26:27 AM] Sean Nagao says: we had a very nice talk
[2:26:33 AM] Sean Nagao says: very nice
[2:26:40 AM] Sean Nagao says: while i ate dinner
[2:26:41 AM] Joanna Marie Cabodoc says: that's good
[2:26:43 AM] Joanna Marie Cabodoc says: about?
[2:26:49 AM] Sean Nagao says: about us
[2:27:07 AM] Sean Nagao says: you know, she said to me, sean, "Joanna is growing on you isnt she"
[2:27:13 AM] Sean Nagao says: and from there I went on and on
[2:27:27 AM] Sean Nagao says: we talked about..
[2:27:49 AM] Sean Nagao says: what things about you do i like
[2:28:07 AM] Sean Nagao says: basically covering everything i like about you
[2:28:15 AM] Sean Nagao says: the reasons why as well
[2:28:52 AM] Joanna Marie Cabodoc says: that makes me really happy you had that conversation
[2:29:01 AM] Sean Nagao says: haha
[2:29:02 AM] Sean Nagao says: yeah
[2:29:11 AM] Sean Nagao says: it was very much necessary. she deserves to know
[2:29:19 AM] Sean Nagao says: the truth
[2:29:31 AM] Joanna Marie Cabodoc says: mhmm
[2:29:37 AM] Sean Nagao says: becuz she will be emotionally involved.
[2:29:41 AM] Sean Nagao says: she likes you a lot.
[2:29:49 AM] Sean Nagao says: i like you more. dont forget that.
|
|
| noah&thewhale |
[
December 8th @ 10:42pm
] |
|
I just wasted 1hr 11minutes watching a lecture by a 500 year old man repeating how all the NGOs are a global movement. Re-fucking-peating, how all the NGOs are a global movement. For 1hr 11 minutes. 1hr 11 minutes I cannot take back. My brain hurts.
|
|
| 26hours. |
[
November 30th @ 7:53pm
] |
26 - the number of hours spent with the boyfriend over the weekend. I can safely say that I've had the best weekend since coming here. Got a call from Sean Saturday morning asking if I'd like to go for a UH football game with him & his gramps so they came by around 4.30 to pick me up & off we went to Aloha Stadium. University of Hawaii against Washington State University. UH totally kicked WS ass 24 - 10. Pretty proud of myself for picking up the game quickly enough to enjoy the game & get really into the downs & touchdowns & all that technical stuff. Met up with Ben again during the first-half break & managed to hold a much more substantial conversation compared to that Halloween night when I was stoned.
Headed back to Palolo to meet his mom, step dad, sister & brother at his aunt Tani's place. They are srsly a beautiful family. His mom is beautiful, his sister Nicole is so pretty, & his brother Kainoa is going to grow up to be a real heart-breaker. Watched SNL in the living room for abit before heading back to his place. I gushed about this to Stef & Charlene already but srsly, I was quite happy when he asked me what I'd say if he didn't want me to let him go. Hahah. & he was like, "so now that you've met my mom, its my turn to meet yours". Hahah. We hadn't seen each other only in 2 days but I missed him like mad srsly. I don't know how its going to be during winter break ): We talked about what's going to happen over winter break but I don't have the heart to tell him about the possibility of my being away for a full term. I'm kinda hoping I don't have to stay back another full term & I can do my interview over here instead. But damn at the same time I also want to stay back home for a good 6 more months to just kick it with life.
Slept around 3am, I woke up around 7.30 & skyped with Stefie while Sean slept like a log. Like really really, if you want to know how a log sleeps you need to see Sean sleep. & omg srsly Sean's room is really a mess. I took so long just to find his earpiece so we wouldn't wake him up with Stefie's stories. Tried sitting on the moped outside his room to talk to her but realized his laptop didn't have a microphone & I was too lazy to rummage around his room for the earphones with the microphone so she told me her good news & I typed my reactions. Went back to bed around 8.30 but woke up at 9 to get ready for Sean's baseball game over at Kailua. Headed over there only to be told the game got cancelled so we headed over to his aunt Tani's place to hang out with his family.
I really liked his family. His mom is so kind hearted & both the parents are just so intelligent. Not just smart people, but intelligent y'know. His step dad tried conversing with me in French but all I could come up with was "en petite peu". Oh well, I tried. But yeah, I hope they liked me, I tried really hard to break my shell & be a good conversationalist. & can I please just say that Kainoa is so damn adorable! That kid is the sweetest thing I swear. But he was so shy its such a bummer I didn't have more time with him to play with. & he really really really loves his Seany. I really love watching both of them together because its pure brotherly love. So yeah, & I can tell Sean has such a strong connection with his family. He & his mom seem like such best friends & she really looks after him good. Its a good feeling to know your boyfriend has such a healthy relationship with his mom, dad, & siblings y'know. Despite his faults sometimes, he is a good guy. SO STOP TELLING ME TO DUMP & RUN, CHARLENE!! Hahah. He's been trying since Wednesday. He actually asked to make sure he showed enough concern this morning. Hehe so cute.
Okay anyway, so we were really exhausted that afternoon so we spent it sleeping in, even though we were supposed to head over to the beach to play with Kainoa & hike Koko with Nicole after. I felt so bad for having him sleep in with me when he should've been with his siblings so I tried acouple of times to wake him up & get him to take us to the beach but I decided to stop when he went "what the fuck, seriously?" when I said "ok babe let's go". Hahah. Finally got out of bed at 5 & planned on heading to aunt Tani's place but I felt so bad for hogging him the whole day I got him to take me home instead. & okay, so I understand its been like, 2 hours since I last saw him but I really miss him again. Hahah. Shiiit ):
|
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| mi mancherai (il postino). |
[
November 27th @ 9:03pm
] |
Okay for some reason I'm feeling really sleepy. Its like I actually did have Thanksgiving & the overdose of tryptophan's making me drowsy. & yes, I did just use the term tryptophan. Do I sound smart or what.
Just got off the phone with someone & our conversation has left me abit perplexed and a touch annoyed. But anyway, I think that's enough random meme-filling for the day. Time to makan & then get some sleep to pay off my sleep debt.
|
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| coming around. |
[
November 27th @ 3:03pm
] |
Answer the following questions
Describe yourself in three words: Bored with Life.
Last person you talked to? Kamu afew minutes ago, he'd just finished playing Rockband with his aunt. Lol cute.
Last person you texted? Charlene, major pms rants.
Last ate? Banana fritters!
Last place? Living room, watched a drama show with the relatives.
Wearing? Billabong shorts, Nike shirt.
Looking? Sleepy and bored as shit.
Latest splurge? Bebe dress about a month back. No clue why I bought it but I will think of something.
Rich and miserable or poor and happy? Oh damn. I'm all for happiness so poor & happy.
Skirt or Pants? Skirt as long as its not the denim-can't-move-around kind of skirt.
Coke or Pepsi? Coooke.
Black or white? Black, too much white makes me feel kind sick for some reason.
Big or small? Hahahahah big.
Hard or soft? The harder the better. Haha.
Vagina or penis? Penis tyvm.
Breasts or ass? I'm a breasts kind girl myself.
Single or attached? Singly attached.
Sweet or salty? Depends.
Night or day? Definitely night. Everything's just better at night.
Draw or write? More of a writer, can't draw for nuts.
Drugs or alcohol? Oh hell no, I am such a saint!! Hahah.
Hope or pray? I hope more now than I ever prayed before.
Laugh or cry? Laughter is the best medicine.
Friends or family? Family for familial comfort & love, friends for everything else.
Blondes or brunettes? Biased to brunettes.
Pencil or pen? I like my pens.
Love or lust? Lust is good for now, love will come when its right.
Complete the following sentences
I always... over-think situations.
I always wanted... to be able to teleport. No srsly, life would be the shit if I could do that.
I always wondered... if there were any other life forms out there in another galaxy.
I always had a secret crush on... everyone.
I always liked... kicking it back with friends.
I never liked... the sound of people blowing their noses.
I have... a tendency to ask rhetorical questions, not coz I don't know the answer, but coz I just need to hear it out loud.
I cannot live without... family, friends, music & books
The most embarassing thing I've done is... puke in a cab on the way to Charlene's house, slept on the carpark floor while Charlene & her mom cleaned up and paid the driver, and stripped in her kitchen coz she asked if I'd like a change of clothes. Yup, Charlene's mom & I.. well, we're tight now.
The most scandalous thing I've done is... JULY 12TH 08 HAHAH. Thank you Agnes for literally dragging me away from them.
The most exciting thing I've done is... NOVEMBER 19TH 08 - dinner, with Sean. Exxxhilerating stuff really.
The nicest thing I've done is... dropped everything I was doing to be with a friend in need.
The meanest thing I've done is... too complicated and personal to explain in this meme.
People don't know that... I have an aversion to clinics, hospitals, & doctors. Unless I'm burning up with a 40degree fever and puking blood, I don't want them.
My ideal partner is... someone who can make me laugh and excites me about life.
My biggest fear is that... I'll end up alone.
When I was growing up, I always wanted to be... an archaeologist for the longest time.
Music is... universal, no matter what genre. Its a big part of me.
Love is... truly blind.
Sex is... something that bonds two people together - physically, emotionally.
Politics is... actually pretty interesting when you get into it.
Family is... the foundation I live my life upon.
Friends are... there to share your laughter and tears, whenever wherever.
Boys are... innocent until they reach teenhood.
Girls are... innocent until they meet a teenage boy.
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| >:( |
[
November 26th @ 1:02am
] |
|
I am pmsing. & when I pms I am a bitch. & someone isn't being very cooperative by going offline when the topic of our conversation was obviously about something important. & when that happens I get angry, & I get angrier still if, before that, I am pretty happy. I am pmsing, & I am bitchy & you aren't helping. mofo get the fuck back online.
|
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| you look so good in bleu. |
[
November 22nd @ 10:47pm
] |
I was watching a show earlier today & even though it wasn't supposed to be funny I couldn't help but laugh like m.a.d because the main character had the same expression that I've seen someone had in the same situation. I still chuckle when I think about it. Haha.
So I'm supposed to be writing three essays over the weekend - 2 for History, 1 for Lit - instead I've spent my day dancing around my room before settling down to do some seriously leisure reading. Just got out of the shower half an hour ago & now I'm on a Dexter marathon, in my underwear. Saturday has been pretty damn chill. & as the case is usually, my day has just begun & its going to be another 5 or 6 hours before I call it a night. Plenty of time to get in a little more dancing, a little more reading, a little more Dexter, & maybe if I'm not tired yet, an essay. Mhmm, I have my priorities right, I really really do!
|
|
| T - 30 days! |
[
November 21st @ 3:36am
] |
Counting down to arriving back home to my family, friends, food, fun - life! I just need to tahan for another 30 days then I am finally finally homeward-bound. Made a food list with Charlene this afternoon & our agenda for boxing day is mahjong mahjong & more mahjong. Can't wait to fall back into familiarity & be surrounded by friends and people instead of being cooped up in a house. Can't wait to hold Jennifer & Jason again & see how much they've grown. Can't wait to eat Mama's cooking & be teased by my Dad about my Sunday morning hangovers. Can't wait to see Ai Jing & Su Min & be bitchy with them. Can't wait to hang out with the childhood friends. Can't wait to eat my Katong laksa & sambal chilli. Can't wait to stuff my face at hawker centres. Can't wait to play tennis & run everyday. Can't wait for my life back.
Hawaii's been.. an experience, but all I want to do is feel normal again. I want to stop feeling so foreign in my own skin.
Hmm History in 6 hours, time for sleep.
|
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| peachy. |
[
November 20th @ 11:59am
] |
So because I flipped onto my laptop in the accident on Monday my laptop is ultimately fucked up. I can still use it, but barely. Its only a matter of time before this thing crashes I'm thinking. But if the circumstances of its getting broken had been different I'd be mad pissed right now. But since landing on it probably saved me a hell of pain (& probably a broken spine), I have chosen to be chill about it. I'm just reluctant to talk to my Dad about the damages because I'd have to lie to him & make it so that I tripped & fell on it or something. My whole academic life and Singapore social contacts are in this thing & I can't imagine how I'd be able to get by without it. This sucks ):
So yes, Sean & I got into a moped accident on Monday. The whole experience was pretty surreal & for the second I was lying on the road I was thinking 'this is not happening to me' We rear-ended a 2008 Lexus, he hit his head onto the car & hurt his knee & his thighs, I flipped and landed on my back on the road. I'm okay, just some scrapes on my left forearm, right foot, and sores on my back & thighs. I've been pretty incognito with my injuries around the house; the less grandmother knows, the better. Can't wait for the wounds to heal already, the bandages are annoying.
|
|
| hit the floor. |
[
November 18th @ 9:37pm
] |
5.30pm Wednesday, 17 November 2008
Very nearly wouldn't be here to be writing this right now.
TYVM God.
|
|
| a la folie, pas du tout. |
[
November 16th @ 11:04pm
] |
|
It’s my heart you’re stealing
It’s my heart you take
It’s my heart you’re dealing with
& it’s my heart you’ll break
It’s my heart you’re taking
It’s breaking bit by bit
It’s my heart you’re dealing with
But you don’t know about it
If you’d feel like I feel
And if you’d know what I know
I don’t think you’d ever play me I know you’d never play me
|
|
| bursting at the seams. |
[
November 16th @ 4:22pm
] |
I think a lot when I'm in the shower. Random thoughts each time - like how messed up the world is (I think, has always been but more so now because we are living in it rather than looking back on it), what makes an individual an individual (i.e Hume), how Jason & Jenny are back home (while in the shower?! Shame on you Jo), how my friends here still treat me as a friend now matter how many times I've ditched them (lost count), & what color nail polish I should paint next (ok I've never really spent a whole shower session just on this one thought. Srsly). Today for the first time in months I thought of my biological father. Not exactly him but what he stands for.
When you think about it, it is so easy to blame your misfortunes not just on other people, but people who aren't there. You ever feel paranoid about abandonment, you ever feel inadequate or unable to connect or if you ever feel heaviness, you blame them. & its easier to do that because of the very reason you blame them for - their absence. I'd be lying if I said I'm not guilty of this. But I'm not disillusioned to think that doing so explains my short-comings. If I don't grab life by the balls & take responsibility for myself, I won't get anywhere.
Besides, I'm in at a placid place in life right now so its not like my life is sucking. Might be a little too placid for my liking, so much that I am atrophying from boredom but I'm not one for drama so this lifestyle is... right up my non-dramatic alley (at best. & at worst I am wasting my life away). But what do you expect when a full year before leaving for university I've spent my days getting wasted at bars, at clubs, at house parties, drinking, dancing, while doing more sober things like hanging out with friends, poker nights, movies, zoo, sentosa, peperoni's (mmm), catch-ups over coffee, & being so health-conscious (despite my liver-damaging nights) with my organic snacks, spinning classes, tennis training, gym work, runs.
& now, now I sit in my room when I'm not in school & if I'm lucky, I get to follow my cousin with her wedding preparations on Sundays. So if, or rather, when I come home late on school nights, it is because those days are the only days I get to enjoy myself even if its just with one person, even though I haven't warmed up to that one person enough to be my retarded self. Three times a week I am able to breathe easier in the open & I am given privy into the kind of college life I am not given; the kind that I would like to have but cannot because of my parents' overprotectiveness & need to keep me around longer for themselves (the one thing I thought I was leaving behind was actually waiting for me here, five folds worse). So again this goes back to this whole thing not being about the person but rather what he stands for. So you see, I am not looking for a Mr. Right. I am not looking for Love. I am looking for Happiness. I am looking for Freedom.
|
|
| december 2. |
[
November 9th @ 2:54pm
] |
|
The thing about addiction is - it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good. & starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit til you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.
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|
|
[
October 21st @ 11:32am
] |
Last night as I sat on your lap, I watched you sleep. & I couldn't think of anywhere else I would rather be than in your room in the half-dark with you. I still remember.
"I think its funny how things turned out"
"hmm?"
"We started out expecting nothing, not wanting anything. But we both sort of went in the same direction &..."
"hmm"
I'm so reluctant, so stubborn. & you are so patient, so so patient.
|
|
| d&b. |
[
September 28th @ 12:28am
] |
|
Nothing is ever enough but we live, & we try.
|
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| run baby run. |
[
August 10th @ 2:40am
] |
|
If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.
-- Sylvia Plath
|
|
| chanson du vampire. |
[
July 26th @ 9:52pm
] |
Tonight I'm staying in. I'm not sure but I'm thinking this is probably the first time in nearly 3 months. The first time in nearly 3 months that I won't be waking up groggy smelling of Arena, MOS or Zouk. None of the whole walking-clumsily-through-my-house-&-fumbling-with-the-doors-&-crashing-on-my-bedroom-carpet routine. I'm getting worried my need for a certain something may be getting out of hand. I need to know I'm still in control. That I can just drop it & continue without it. No, its not about the alcohol or clubbing. I can definitely live without all that. What I'm keeping in line is something else. I guess you could say its a by-product of everything that's accumulated so far. & it comes hand in hand with what I do with my Saturday nights.
So anyway, I've got 25 more days left & I'm feeling pretty indifferent about everything. My sister came in earlier this evening telling me how sad she is that she can't send me off coz she's got school so I held her for awhile & sang to her. But yup, still felt neutral about the whole situation. I've been spending so much time with Sarah & Stef that I forget I have other friends. People to meet next week & also an interview with the US embassy, pretty intimidating stuff.
But anyway, here's to a chill Saturday night, with my books & my shows & the comfort of home. Have an awesome weekend loveys. xoxo
|
|
| it was how you looked in the dark. |
[
July 13th @ 6:20pm
] |
The combination of too much mediocre entertainment, too much alcohol, too much dancing, with too much height in my heels last night left a bad taste in my mouth & a bad ache in my feet this morning. Was jerked awake by a text from Sarah. Two things hit me while I was wiping sleep off my eyes.
1) I wondered how I got into my pyjamas (& how I even managed to climb up my bed since I thought I'd passed out on my carpet).
2) Dear mother of pearl was I dehydrated. But seeing that I had about 4 bottles of water, along with 2 plastic bags, a DVD portable, the Sex & the City DVD set, 1 bottle of sportade, my bag, a small box of KFC chicken popcorn, I was well stocked to live on my bunk bed for the day.
While I was walking in the hallway to get the phone to give the girls a ring I realized I was still tipsy. 7 hours after & still drunk? God I'm gonna miss this when I leave.
I can remember most of last night. I just can't place them in chronological sequence, some parts are just lost in the cranberry vodka haze, & some I wished got lost in the haze. I wasn't even planning on going out last night. I planned on heading home after dinner with Sarah, Stef & Andy but one thing led to another & I found myself sitting by the quay sharing a smirnoff bottle with Agnes while David & Nick were drinking their own pre-clubbing drinks. Went into MOS & then the revelry began. I think I dropped my conscience (& consciousness) sometime between spotting Agnes' & my new friends from Phuture & walking back in MOS to tell our new friends we were heading to Arena. & of course, my German boysss. *puke*
Spent my whole day in bed watching Sex & the City, blowing my brains through my nose (yes I partied like a rockstar while I was down with the flu) & eating good old school junk food - pizza & ice cream. Samantha's making me feel better about last night's friendly encounter.
|
|
| cheer up boys (your makeup is running) |
[
July 11th @ 2:42am
] |
|
I've been dogged by something the past 3 nights & I think what triggered it was the possibility of what could've been 2 weeks ago. I can't say for certain if its a good thing or a bad thing but 3 mornings ago I woke up feeling like a new person. That something has literally captured my imagination & suddenly the problem I had mulling in my brain seems alright for now. I realize its not my place & whatever the person does is not my problem. Time to live my life, & not try to live in someone else's. They say you can't know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But you can't know someone until you're actually ready to walk that mile. I'm not ready for that & hopefully I never will be.
Its amazing how much my imagination's built on a single idea. Humans are such creative beings. I can't say I want the idea to become reality - that would just be too much for me to take - & besides, why waste it on that when there's so many other possibilities.
Looking forward to my weekly dose of sublime company for a little dancing, a little drinking, a little merry-making. Hopefully Wang Ki books out this weekend because I need to talk to him so badly, if only just for him to tell me its all in my head (as much as I say its not my problem, it still has an effect on me & he's the guy to talk to because he'll do what he usually does [without actually knowing it] which is exactly what I need).
|
|
| just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost. |
[
June 30th @ 2:24am
] |
Feeling kinda buzzed from the wine I've been drinking all evening. Updating just to let people know I'm still alive & kicking. Leaving mid-August for Hawaii Pacific Uni so to all the people who I haven't spoken or seen in God only knows how long, if you wanna still play the "hey let's meet up really soon I really miss you!" bullshit you know my name, look up the number.
Basically been doing shit the past 2 months. Lose track of time sometimes. Usually at home watching shows/ playing games/ reading/ getting stoned if I'm not having training or heading to Amy's to hang out with Sarah & Stef. Amy.. hahha funny how I have to go to her house to hang out with my two best friends. But studying is studying, just like how watching tv is watching tv or reading is reading whereever you do it.
Last night at MOS kinda sucked. Everybody else couldn't make it so it was just David, myself & all the godamn perverts of Smoove. Jerkoffs feeling me up & putting their hands on my waist them pieces of shits. Dropped by Zouk to get mroney from David's sister before heading back to MOS But you see if we had only gone to ZOUK instead of MOS, we wouldn't have had to try to cheat the bouncers off the stamp thingy coz Kris would've paid for the excess shit. But its ookay it really wasn't as bad as I make it seem. It was just the worst clubbing night I've had since.. ever. Was stuck outside the house for 10 minutes coz my mama had her phone off & I didn't have keys so I had to call his handphone & wake Jasooon up. Made Tom Yum then dozed off around 5.
I spent my Sunday, bringingthe kids to Parkway for lunch at Swensen's, sleeping off the afternoon, feeding my baby Jackie, playing my awesome new game, drinking wine while watching Weeds. Ohmygod no wonder my mom always drinks so much wine, this shit is awesome after afew glass. I've got that peripheral vision shit right now hahah shit its alreayd 2.30 I really need to invest in a good watch. Or at least invest alittle more on time-keeping I only have 1 and a half more moneths here.
|
|
| satisfy my soul. |
[
June 8th @ 5:01am
] |
Church with Charlotte & Stefie - katong laksa & ice cream chef after. Spent evening watching RG then Rish texted me. Picked me up with Daphne & her sister Estee, headed to Clarke Quay, settled in The Clinic. Mary, Ing, Jae, Bernard & Eric came after their dinner. Headed to Arena - Chat met with us, then WK & Alethea dropped by for an hour before going to Zouk - then we headed to MOS. Techno music is srsly not for me. 4am decided to call it a night. Risshe sent the remaining people - Jae, Bernard, Daphne & myself home.
Wang Ki, thank you for the extra Jagerbomb. Such a small & sweet gesture. You are srsly the best guy friend a girl could have. I know we don't see each other as much coz of your army but I'm glad we're still such close friends. Next week I'm buying you something. & I'm sorry Alethea left you on the dancefloor to dance with me..? I was just as surprised as you but it sure didn't stop me from grinding her :P hahahahahahaha. You know I love you long time la bro.
Kung Fu Panda with the family in afew hours so lemme knock off some of the alcohol g'night.
|
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| parachutes. |
[
June 3rd @ 1:02am
] |
|
In a haze, a stormy haze
I'll be around;
I'll be loving you always, always
Here I am & I take my time
Here I am & I'll wait in line always, always.
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